freenikk

So my first job…I don’t really call it my first job because it lasted all of 4 hours…I was 14..I lived in Lancaster Pennsylvania…I arrived at a tiny storefront…it was divided into tiny tiny cubicles…in each cube was a table with a phone…and a script…there was a folding chair and a list of “leads”…I was to go through the list of leads and ask them to attend some fireman’s charity event…after 4 hours the supervisor called me into his cube…he informed me that I just didn’t have what it took and he had to let me go…of course I was devastated…my first job and all…flash forward many years…I worked at inter media marketing in York Pennsylvania…I was the lead trainer…I had this gentleman in my class who seemed familiar but I wasnt at all sure why…he wouldn’t have been in my circles but I was sure I knew him…well he was trained…placed on the floor…and bam I saw his name on a report and it hit me…my supervisor from when I was 14…my first supervisor ever…I didn’t have what it takes…that’s what he told me…now he’s being trained by 1 of my subordinates to do what he said I couldn’t do…what a moment…

So my weight is a problem for me…in an unhealthy way probably psychologists would want to talk about my “relationship” with food but I can’t imagine another moment on a couch, in a hospital, or in a group talking or listening…im fucked up, crazy shit happened to me a lot of it…because of this craziness I’m crazy…not the crazy of mental institutions (though I can get there and have been there)…not the crazy of every female that wants to threaten her man about how she’ll act if he cheats…nah I’m the actions speak louder than words kinda blacking out and not remembering crazy…nothing cute about that…but I digress…so I eat organic food, when I’m not involved in my relationship…otherwise I binge eat…even in my sleep…like I wake up with crumbs in the bed and have to investigate…I feel bad when I do this…I call myself names…but I don’t stop…
I like to remain between 150-155 pounds…won’t overly abuse myself if I get to 160..but 170+ is a problem…I can feel the difference in my body when i gain that much…usually I weigh myself 1 time a week…when I know it’s not going to say what I want to hear I tend to get “busy”…unable to walk over to the huge scale in the middle of the warehouse…weeks go by and I walk past and never think of stepping on the scale…bronchitis…damm bronchitis comes a knocking and I gave to go to the doctor…what my weight has to do with this horrible cold I don’t know but I fearfully step into the scale…178 pounds…im disgusted…im appalled…im ashamed of myself…it’s October so I attempt to be honest with myself…the Monday after thanksgiving I am going on a diet…I can’t do this anymore…I feel all fat and shit…
Well today is that Monday…all day I have contemplated and considered…and today is not the day…it just isn’t…I have leftover chicken Alfredo and I want some fried chicken with it…I have my “creak” on the car floor next to me…cherry coke…I know I quit but it keeps calling me and calLing me…so in the spirit of nicole…I suppose I’ll start my diet when I’m ready to diet…

Well I’m going to try this blogging thing…if it’s too strict for my writing style I will stop because I am not looking for literary criticism I just need a place to leave my mark…a place to share my existence and by that I mean my truth…so this first “blog” will be informative…I hope to share on these pages emotion, information, and probably nonsense…some topics will be raw…the subjects and the language…I am very opinionated very very and I plan to express my opinions here…if you can stomach me come on this journey…I hate capitalization and punctuation…I have lived a full life so the stories you read here may seem outlandish, crazy, or unbelievable they are all going to be the truth as I experienced it…sit back and enjoy the ride we’ll laugh, we’ll cry,  and hopefully we’ll learn…I love to learn…I hope not to offend any one I love…I am holding no hard feelings so in telling of stories from the past remember they are my memories…I love you all…we do what we’ve got to do, as you’ll read in these pages I’m far from anyone’s saint…I’m afraid but welcome I how I don’t disappoint myself… (truth im in an abusive relationship with myself)